Q&A How Does the Betrayed Spouse Deal with the Shame of the Unfaithful?

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Hello Rick,

My husband and I completed your First Steps Bootcamp to Surviving Infidelity, read many articles, and completed EMS Online. He is the unfaithful spouse. Our full disclosure was in April of this year and all things considered I think we are doing ok and I now have hope for our future together. We are much more connected then we have been for a few years, and my Husband is taking full responsibility for his actions and his recovery. The problem is that I am still (understandably) faced with triggers and bad days. My husband is not good with conflict, and is working towards letting go of control in certain situations, but when he sees me upset, he starts to tail-spin. He feels helpless as he is doing everything within his power to recover, learn why he did this, and make our marriage safe again for me. He starts to get stuck again in shame at those moments and starts insinuating that something is 'wrong' if I still get really upset since we are both doing everything we can to recover individually, and as a couple. Please help me here - I think that my responses (expressing anger in a respectful way, sometimes shedding tears, sometimes feeling down or depressed) are very normal and understandable given the timing here. Any advice for how to deal with him when I see that he starts spiraling back into despair at the very time I need him to stay steady and grounded?



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