Q&A What is Your Opinion of Detachment in Recovery?

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Question: 

Rick, Thanks so much for fielding these questions. Extremely helpful in recovery. What is your opinion of detachment during recovery? I am the betrayed and I'm not feeling safe with my wife at times. I don't want her to see me as the unstable husband who is codependent and an emotional wreck. I feel like I need to protect myself from being vulnerable. Weiner-Davis calls it the 180. I want to give us a chance in the long term but not comfortable to go all in right now. Thanks

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Yes.

Thanks for asking this question. I have just discovered on my own that my spouse has been back in contact with his 2 affair partners for the last 6 months....however he doesn't know that I know.

I have been processing everything and decided to work on recovery. Before I found proof I pretty much knew it was occurring to some extent. He changed all his passwords 7 months ago after I looked at his phone without asking. When I asked if he would share them again he stated its not something I need to know. It screamed he is hiding. Right now my gut is saying I need to move out. I am in school currently and I don't finish this class for another 7 weeks. We had been talking on and off before I got proof about separating/divorce but it would never go anywhere. The last conversation like this happened a day or 2 after I got proof. He seemed ambivalent so I simply said...fine you win. I'm moving out in June. He stonewalled for a few days. We talked. I was still being cordial so I think he took it as ok we are good again. A few days ago he came to me and said I have moments when I want to give up but I really want to make it work...I told him I loved him but I can't have secrets. I need transparency. He said we will have to agree to disagree. Since then he went back to stonewalling. I'm not out to shame him, humiliate, or try to convince him of anything. I haven't told him I know simply because I think he won't respond to me so I am going to talk with our pastor at church. In the meantime I can't have sex with him knowing he is texting them when we are in a bad place. I can be cordial and kind. He's been hiding behind his work which actually is fine so we don't have to spend much time around one another. I'm tired of the secrets and the lying. We have only been together 3 years...so I am not sure even if this is worth saving. I don't want to divorce, but I refuse to live my life like this. I know he needs help and I support him getting that. Just don't know if I can do that being under the same roof. I miss having peace and serenity in my space. The tension, stonewalling, ignoring all day knowing he is contacting others then sending me one text or vice versa is just disrespectful. I'm trying to keep my cool and not become reactive because I still need to be here at least 7 more weeks.

What type of affair was it?

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