Q&A When Does it Become Harmful to Want to Be Wanted?

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I was hoping you could clarify for me where the lines cross and it becomes harmful to want to feel wanted in marriage. I realize that underneath a lot of my pain and resentment is that I'm not sure I can ever feel wanted by my spouse again. I can't feel at peace with the fact that he must not have wanted me, to want someone else. (A lot of "wanting" happening here by me, my spouse, the AP, etc.). Anyway, I realize that for whatever reason, I must never have felt wanted. For the short time we were married pre-DDAY (3 1/2 years) I felt secure in a way i never had just because I had been chosen. That someone I was proud to be with had chosen me. Even when things were pretty hard during the affair I felt secure, of coarse never suspecting what was actually happening. It wasn't until learning that he had a secret relationship with another woman for 1 1/2 years that my security faded. I almost get the feeling sometimes that I shouldn't need to feel wanted or chosen by my spouse. I'm confused by this because it seems that if we don't want one another, if there isn't anything special about the relationship or the person we choose to marry, why do we make such a big deal with a ceremony and wedding, big dress, etc.? I thought the person we choose to marry is supposed to be pretty important to us, and us to them. I hope you can understand what I'm asking. It's all very confusing to me where the problem with wanting to feel wanted becomes a problem. Thanks for your help and insight.



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