Q&A Why Can't I Fully Commit to My Wife?

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We are 15 months out from D-Day, she is trying hard to make amends, and working toward keeping us together. We completed EMSO, still in MFL, I did HH, books, counseling etc. I have daydreams about different scenarios; if she would have become pregnant, or slip up now, make contact, have another affair, etc. ALL involve some thing that would be the last straw (even though I would have said an affair would end us before this). I love her, can enjoy being with her a lot of times, but if I think on the affair/betrayal and its details, it leads me back to the same frustrating spot - why am I staying? Because of the kids, because there are no guarantees I'll find someone I would be happy with, because God hasn't told me to leave (God and I don't communicate at all really...), because she's remorseful, because I should forgive her (I think I have/am) etc. I could go on. I wish I could see my two futures - 1) I stay in the marriage and work on it, 2) I leave. I would love to know which one is best for ME. Not for her or my kids. I know that's selfish, and that's why my kids are my biggest reason for working toward reconciliation. Anyway - I am so tired of this repeating cycle. Will it ever end? Does it mean something more? Should I leave? Is this a sign that for me infidelity was a deal breaker? Or is it normal and will eventually go away?



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-D, Texas