Q&A Why Doesn't He Respond to My True Self?

To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
Gain unlimited access to over 1,800 articles and expert Q&A videos.
Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.


Hi Rick, My spouse & I are currently enrolled in EMSO & learning about responding with the True Self vs Deceived Self. We have been together for 16 years & when I reflect on our response cycle, I notice a pattern. If I respond with my True Self- love, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, & self-control; I receive a detached, passionless & undemonstrative response. It isn't until I resort to anger, impatience & resentment that he reacts with some amount of emotion. An example is I surprised him by taking our kids on a 4 hour trip to spend time together as he works out of state. When we arrived, his response was indifferent. By evening I was in a full on emotional flood. Only then did he begin to act in a loving, affectionate & compassionate way. In hindsight, all I wanted was a greeting of excitement & affection. This has also been the pattern since discovery week 5 months ago. Over the years I have come to believe I am that reflexive deceived self, as has he. Only now am I beginning to see I'm not. Does he prefer me broken or is he so detached from his emotions that they don't register? I struggle to see that as a possibility. If you love someone & are genuinely excited to see them, doesn't it simply show? I'm hoping you can help identify some possible reasons for this. I don't want to feel like the only way I can receive love is by yelling loud enough.



RL_Media Type: 

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas