Q&A Any Practical Advice for Our Cycle?

I am the betrayed spouse. I have a question about the cycle of grace. One cycle evident in most of our marriage goes like this: I am hurt (usually lonely). I express it to him. He perceives it as me telling him he is a failure, he's not accepted the way he is and he will never be good enough. He gets very defensive. I cry. He yells at me asking me "why can't I be good enough!" Sometimes he throws things and has other outbursts of anger and violence. Eventually, I put aside my hurt to calm him down. I reassure him he is not a failure. He is a good father. I tell him things I appreciate about him and try to encourage him in the Lord. We end up talking calmly about his feelings of inadequacy for a very long time. Then we go on into "pretend normal" without my original issue ever being dealt with. Without me being heard, validated or understood. I feel like I am choosing love which is suffering. But this just isn't working. In other groups I'm told these actions of mine are because I am codependent which is wrong. I really am confused. If my actions are choosing love why don't I get to the peace, freedom and attachment that the cycle of grace should lead to? I want to take responsibility and change but I really am so confused. Could you explain practically where I am going wrong?