Q&A Why Is My Mate Giving Minimal Effort to Recovery?

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Question: 

We are 8 months from discovery and in week 6 of EMS Online. I'm very confused by my husband’s behaviors. He says he loves me, wants to stay with me, agreed to do EMS Online, and personal counselling in the past. I'm troubled cause he easily tells the people at work and in his men's group that he was unfaithful, yet he won't be vulnerable and open up with me about his feelings. He waits till the last day to quickly read thru his homework and has never been on the website to search for answers to his issues. He refuses to hand over his phone, though he knows that is a huge trigger for me. He is still being deceptive about women friends he has contact with. When I confront him about these things in a gentle, loving way, his response is "I'm trying to change but it's not enough for you, I don't know if I'll every be good enough". I feel like I can't even have a conversation with him cause he shifts it back to being my fault cause I have expectations or need safety. I have been guilty of "encouraging" him to work at his recovery, but see now that this has to be HIS journey, so I've backed off. Is this ambivalence? Is it shame? What causes a person to only give a minimal effort? I feel like he has one foot in and one foot out, so it causes me to be fearful about the future.

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Sorry to hear that. Sadly

Sorry to hear that. Sadly when my uh was doing that I also had a gut feeling. Looked harder and found proof he was still being unfaithful. Do you have that gut feeling? He isn’t safe for you and some days still my uh isn’t. I am not sure how I make it day to day (we are 8 months out but last d day was 6 days ago) we are in week 11 of emso. It is hard. But I have been praying more and everyone says you need to pour into yourself and I am going to try that. Have you done anything for yourself? So sorry again you have to go threw this. I sadly understand right where you are and it stinks!