Q&A Why Won't My Mate Agree to Renew Our Vows?

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My husband and I are 19 months into recovery. We have done EMSO. I have done HH, and he has done H4H. Our recovery has gone well, but there is one thing that I am having a hard time with. I would like for us to renew our wedding vows. I feel like I need a recommitment from my husband...a new covenant made between us and God since his other vows were broken when he betrayed me. I think it would really help me move from just surviving infidelity to moving into our new marriage. It would be the last piece for me to have complete healing. I just need to hear him tell me that he is “all in” and that he isn’t going anywhere. The problem is, he does not want or need a vow renewal. He says that God has forgiven him and that he is good with God. He says that he doesn’t know how to say or feel “fluffy” words. I have told him that I don’t need fluffy. I just need real. When I ask him what is missing for him to be able to make a re-commitment, he can’t tell me that anything is missing. We are intimate, connected, making new memories, and this seems like the next step. Yet, I am confused and continually hurt by his hesitancy. I have tried so hard to explain to him why this is so important to me. He just says, “I don’t know what to do about it.” Would you help bring some light to this situation? Thank you.



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I want him to WANT to re-marry me!

I am in the exact same situation. We’ve taken the same courses, as well as lots of marriage and individual counseling. I couldn’t have written the question better! If your husband is like mine, when he says he doesn’t know what to do/say - he means “I don’t know what to do/say to make you feel better about this, but I don’t want to renew our vows.” And I want him to WANT TO! To WANT to ask me to re-marry him and to WANT to renew our vows. It’s not the same if I make him do it. That’s worthless to me. Why, when things are going so well, would he not want to renew our vows, especially when he knows how important it is to me?

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