I know calming down is the last thing I thought of.....but if I could've, my worst fears would have never come true. I had jealousies that were COMPLETELY unfounded. It was my fear of losing him that would factor in my almost losing him, make any sense? I was so, so afraid of losing him I accused him of any and everything. I should have been 'shoring up' my relationship with him with love and affection which he adored! He thought I hated him, nothing could be further from the truth! I was adraid to let him know, afraid he would use it against me.....how stupid, and I was only 19. We both thought the opposite of each other. I was infuriated that he didn't automatically KNOW what I thought and felt. So my fears came true....that was 30 years ago....
My advice, say what you mean and mean what you say.

This is very interesting to me and sparks the feeling of truth inside.  Somehow I knew that this was true, though I never spoke in that manner. I knew that I had to give myself as much time as possible to get a grip on the emotions in order to make any rational decisions.  I think that the automatic response is flight or fight.  I tend to the flight end of that spectrum, and so in order to make a good decision, had to temporarily still my keen desire to walk away and never speak of it again. Turn it off...shut it down...and and begin the forgetting process.   Done and over.  I wanted to explore the possibilities...any hope for us at all...though I doubted there was anything to entertain....and to do that...I had to still my desire to leave....daily...and to allow some time for me to examine all the facts I could discover....both about what happened...and how I felt...what I wanted...and to weigh the losses and any possible advantages of staying in the now unattractive and hurtful relationship.  I simply decided that I could leave at any point I chose, so I might as well take the time to learn about what happened...for my own sake...not for the sake of the relationhip.  So, instead of fllight...without really realizing it...I chose to fight...because to stay...I had to fight.  And to fight...I had to explore my emotions to find what it was I needed to fight about.  How to protect myself from any further injury. 

I have been stuck in the pain for months.  As a matter of fact, I thought I was regressing.  This helps me so much to explain why my head couldn't reach my heart and they could be on the same page and I kept vasillating back and forth.  It was FEAR OF BEING HURT AGAIN and my emotions hyjacking that part of the brain.  Now I can't wait to read the next section because I have not been able to overcome that fear.  I am terrified of it even though I know that the only way for the relationship to survive is to overcome it.