Rick's Q & A Call on January 21

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Infidelity

Hi Rick, I have a question about privacy. Recently my husband became very angry with me because I went through his phone and car. We were supposed to be reconciling however, due to events that happened, I don't think this will happen now. His phone was with me and I went through it. I told him I did and I found out he said some pretty hurtful words about me and he contacted his AP the night he moved back home and told her he was staying with a friend. He told me I was wrong in going through his phone. I was just nosy. I had never gone through any of his stuff prior to his affair, ever. I never had a reason to. Now I'm told I'm just searching and nosy. This is just not true. He is gone again because I told him to go with her. I don't know if there is a chance or not. So much has been done. Anyway, if you can post something about the rules of privacy of the unfaithful, I would appreciate it. God Bless.

susan1117

You didn't ask me personaly but when I saw your post I couldn't help myself. So sorry in advance if I offend you.

Rules of privacy for the BETRAYER:

I can shower and change my clothes with the door shut.

 Everything else is an open book. My husband can get my phone anytime he wants and call weird numbers or check my emails.  Put a GPS on my car for all I care. Why would he not? I lied and lied and he believed me for months. He would be stupid not to do do those things. Since I have nothing to hide I don't care. 

"You are just Nosey". Really? Uh..No you are not stupid anymore because you have no reason to trust him. He can't even be honest with his AP for crying out loud! Seeing that text to his AP is the best thing you could have seen. He lies to everyone. He was offended because he is still lying. That's what we do in an affair.

At this point you can pull phone records hack into emails or whatever your heart desires. You should for your own safety. You need the truth and you certainly are not getting it from him. Married people don't hide anything from each other-affair or not!

Jana

A helpful nugget.....

One time I went to Yoga and we have to turn our phones off. I turned my phone on and had 7 messages from him and then the last one was. "Oh sorry I forgot you were at Yoga". He told me later that he tracked my iphone online. My first thought was-Good to know. I might need him to do that for me if I loose one of my kids at the mall or they don't come home on time. I wasn't offended I was  happy that he knew I was doing what I said I was doing. It's not about me anymore. I lost his trust.

Jana

thank you

I knew I was not crazy, stupid or any other form of insane. I have never had any reason to doubt him before and never did until all of this mess came to light. As for searching his texts this last time, I'm glad I did because I learned so much. I feel and have felt the entire time he has been telling me one thing and of course his AP another. The text just proved it. I recently wrote a long post on our page and was told I insulted him. There was nothing insulting in my post at all. I posted MY feelings and what has happened. How the AP is always put first and I'm forgotten. How he doesn't see this. And when we talk I try to tell him how I feel and he turns it back around to feeling the same way. As if my feelings don't matter at all. So, I feel like I can't win in this situation. I know what I did prior to his affair and that was communication issues however there should have never been an affair because of it on his part. And for me, lying is not something I can deal with. Thank you again for your candor and honesty. I greatly appreciate it. More than you can imagine. He wants to come home now...any thoughts on this? Susan

Intimacy & Triggers

Hi Rick,

Bob and I were at EMS in December, it was the best thing we ever did! Seeing a specialist like you and your staff really gave us some tools and clarity to a painful path we are walking on and knowing we are not alone. We have had our ups and downs...We happen to be in a down mode right now. It has been almost 6 months since D-Day and we have been meeting on our weekly conference calls with our group.  Since last week, Bob has been having a difficult time with being in this dark place regarding sexual intimacy and can not stop playing the nightmare in his head of me and my AP, constantly. He has completely disconnected and needs distance from me.  We discussed it at our meeting last night, but it still is an area that I'm sure that will take a long time to work through.  It is painful to see him struggling and it does create anger and things said that are destructive and not constructive in any way.

I did read your newsletter today regarding pain and the stages, it is our choice to remain there or find a way to work through that pain. 

We were close, intimate and making progress, not to say that it has not been difficult and the triggers are there....but I am just asking if there is something that we can do to help with this struggle Bob and I are having. 

And thanks for Lesson 3 on the EMS lesson ...it was a very painful letter to write again, but it was good to hear the letter from him and I hope and pray Bob can let the words penitrate in his heart from me for the pain I have caused him.

Look forward to hearing from you....

Kind regards,

Dante' and Bob

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