Last Sunday I asked my husband if he could tell me if he would ever sleep with someone (in our case same sex) again.  His reply was "Not while we are married."  I felt this reply meant that I am the only thing preventing him from being with a man again...in other words there are a couple of ways this could go...he could come in one day and say "I want a divorce. My sexual cravings for the same sex are more powerful than our relationship." OR "I can't make that promise because I don't know what would happen if you died." so....does that mean he is still unsure of his sexual preference?  I feel like our situation is a ticking time bomb.  I have asked him since our Jan EMS weekend these things: 1.) find 1 or 2 accountability partners that he can meet/speak with weekly  2.) find and work a 12 step program (SA probably would be helpful) 3.) create a solid recovery plan/Strategy (or some call it a Relapse Plan).  These represent tangible demonstrations to me that he is truly committed to the process of restoring our marriage.  I feel fairly certain relapse WILL occur if he relies soley on his sheer will.  I do  not feel like this will be all he needs to do to prevent him from sleeping with a man again.  We both feel very depleted and defeated.  I have expressed to him my specific needs (outlined above) and my need for constant (many times in a day, many days in a week, many months in a year) for his assurance of his love and committment to our marriage.  I'm insecure...and had those strong tendancies before this affiar.  Naturally they have intensified so greatly since his multiple affiars over 5 years (D Day began in Oct 12 and dribbled in through Dec 2012).  I am a wreck and I KNOW that.  whenever we try to talk about my feelings or needs he always brings it back to being about him.  I'm at a breaking point.  I asked him last night if we could just for ONCE talk about me...how he manages to make himself the victim is beyond me.  The image of him having sex with a man is almost too overwhelming for me.  I don't understand how he can just turn that switch on and off.  I am truly lost...and ask for your help. 

In addition to the above mentioned issues I found out that our close friends (been married for 25 years) and I felt they were safe and healthy choices for us to pursue couple activities with...I found out that while we were separated and he was renting their poolhouse that during a dinner the three of them had together that she (my confident) told him (my husband) everything I said to her...she told him that he could plug their poolhouse landline in and make any calls that he needed...enabling/encouraging his same sex affair.  I checked this out with him as far asif she  was she telling him that in case he needed a phone (which he did not as he has his own) or was she saying it to provide him with a telephone line that I would not be aware of.  It was the latter...she was indeed helping him keep his secret.  This is a very close friend of mine...I feel like if one more person betrays me I'll...I don't know what I'll do.  I'm not sure how to proceed with her and would like your advice on that as well.  Thank you Rick.

My husband and I are currently enrolled in the EMS Online and about 3 months out from "D" Day. When I first learned of his affair and he saw how deeply I was wounded he was very caring toward me, empathic, and after many, many nights of talking and sharing he eventually admitted to many of the things I had learned and even disclosed other things that I was completely unaware of that had been going on for the past year and a half. He agreed that he would do whatever it took to help me heal, work on our marriage, and apologized and admitted his wrongs. I know he feels very guilty about his affair, his behaviors (drugs and gambling) and the affect that it had on our marriage and our family. I had found AR via the Internet and was contacted and we agreed to take the course. Now, after the first session which he participated in and listening to Week 1, as we began the teleconference he became furious and left the house. He said he was not going to participate, was not going to talk to anyone other than our counselors (which we have only been to 4 sessions and due to financial difficulties have been unable to return), made some very ugly remarks about others indescretions, and just was downright ugly. So, here I sit wondering what to do...4 counseling sessions helped but we are no where near where we need to be, he feels like we have talked this thing to death, he says he is tired of talking about it and even accused me of continuing to throw it in his face. I do not try to throw things in his face, however, I still have questions about things and now he has shut down. How can I encourage him to continue this healing process? I feel like his actions last night lead me to wonder how committed he is to this marriage, how committed he is to helping both of us heal, and that just maybe there is more to his story than he has shared. I have a gut feeling that he hasn't told me the whole truth about his affair or his true feelings toward his AP toward the end but I believe he will never share all of it. He says it is done, he can't change it, and he HATES talking about her or anything relating to her. He wants to put that portion of his life out of his mind but he doesn't seem to understand that it is not quite that easy for me. Any advice you may have, I am willing to listen.

Yep, AR I would like those questions answered too!

Jana