Rick,
I tried to go back and see where the change in my husband's behavior happened, like you suggested. When he became more defensive and less empathetic to me was right after he asked me about a job he thought about applying for back in July. I knew that this was a very sensitive subject...because in EMSO he admitted he was resentful towards me because it seemed like I questioned everything he did and that I did not understand how important it was to him that he had a job where he made enough money to support our family and felt appreciated. Therefore, I tried to take a moment and phrase it where it was not critical or accusing and said "I don't understand why you would apply for a job that is opposite of everything you are praying for?" (The job is 2 hours, one way, from home, 12 hr days on weekends, he would not be able to attend church and would be away from our children when they are out of school) He immediately got angry and it seems as if he has not stopped since. He said he does not feel supported from me he said, that I want a "hen pecked, brow beat husband" who sits at home all the time under my thumb so I can keep an eye on him. This is so not true!!! However, There is a history of moving from job to job looking for that "something" and never finding it, and also a history of saying one thing and then doing the opposite with finances. :/
Yes, I admitted to him I was anxious about the hours, no church which also includes the mens prayer group he had been attending (although he stopped doing this back in July) and that it was really about what would we do to continue to work on recovery and prevent a relapse.
He got the job and started today...and we had a huge argument yesterday about it. He thinks I don't want him to "do what he wants" and I am hurt that he is defensive, angry, and no longer has any empathy for me.
I realize that we are both selfish...we both want what we want and we aren't getting it. I am scared. I have had more "panic" moments where I feel like I did last year when I kept thinking they were communicating but he kept denying it and really they were. I feel like I am losing control over my thoughts, crying a lot more, losing sleep again and worrying about a relapse. When I try to tell him this...he shuts down and it goes south pretty quickly. I can tell he is offended that I don't trust him any more than I do and I hear "I't's never enough" a LOT...
In my opinion, he thinks a job will be the answer to all of the problems...even though the 7 he has had in our marriage has never done it before. The old pattern of behavior is coming back and I am so scared. I really don't know how much more I can take. I love him and want this marriage and he says the same thing but his actions and his behavior say something different and I am so very confused. I also find myself becoming mean with my words, looking for the "bad guy" and end up telling him how his actions have hurt me so. It is not pretty and I do not like what is happening.
What are your thoughts?

When you had your relapse was the healing process for Stephanie as hard or long as the first time? Why or why not?

If a spouse relapses, does the amount of time he/she spends back in active addiction indicate whether or not he/she really wants or is capable of recovery? A week or a month of relapse behavior seems a lot more acceptable compared to a year or more? Or confessing compared to getting caught?

What are some ways for recovering sex addicts to fight their own struggles with denial and self-deception? If 40% of an addict is always trying to self-sabatoge and get back to the addiction, how can we really be safe?