Survivors' Blog

Self Absorption

Submitted by Samuel 10 years ago

Often times in recovery, the unfaithful continue to make it about them, rather than their spouse. Samuel discusses the need to lean in to the struggle the betrayed has to forgive and forge ahead.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Comments

Spot on

Submitted by godismyanchor on

So many of your videos seem SO relevant to my situation. This one, so much so, that, I just don't know what to say.
This is my husband right now and for the past year and a half since Dday. His shame, self loathing, feeling that he's evil, even feeling that God has chosen to disown him seem to be one of our greatest hurdles, that we have not overcome. (The other, major ones being, cutting off ALL communication with the AP & the trickle of information/non disclosure) I feel if we could get past these three, we would at least have the opportunity to possibly make it, & in my mind, a much better marriage than ever before.
As you mentioned in one of your more recent videos, I am the betrayed who wants to work it out, and he the ambivalent one who can't decide whether to stay or go. He filed D papers almost 10 months ago, but had done nothing more since. He says the "it's all so much more than just the affair" and he's afraid things will go back to the way they were before, as well as afraid that I can never truly forgive him.
I know I can't force anything with him and that if we want a truly meaningful relationship in the future, it has to be his decision, for him. It's just so hard to wait patiently and not be able to fully grieve the way I feel I need to, for fear of pushing him away or pushing him into a deeper depression/self loathing.
Any thoughts to help him get to this place, without coercion or guilt trips?
If you can point me to articles, videos or whatever, to help him forgive himself so he can allow himself to accept God's grace and forgiveness, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you (& Rick, et al) for your effort and work in this ministry

helpful articles etc...

Submitted by Samuel on
godismyanchor, thank you for your email. your situation is tough i know, and I'm glad you've reached out here for help. for starters, you may look at our shame series as he is probably dealing with a ton of shame: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame and then this one as well: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-pain-ways-to-stay-in-shame i think i would also encourage you to take the approach of 'lets get help and merely SEE if the marriage can be saved and if we both can make the changes that need to happen? that way it's more of an approach along the lines of 'lets get help to SEE' rather than 'lets go save our marriage' which he may not be up for at all. it's a very normal scenario we see quite often. while your actions in no way justify or excuse his affair, you will most likely have to approach the situation with an open mind stating that you want to see IF in fact, the marriage can be healed and if the 'issues' he's referring to can be changed or helped. while again, i'm not saying you caused his affair, you'll probably have to take a step of great humility and ask him to get help with you as you want help for yourself as well. that way, it's a level playing field, although we both know that it's not your fault he cheated in any way, shape or form. what do you think about that?