Q&A Am I Hurting My Mates Recovery Process?

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My spouse has mostly cut off contact with his affair partner and tells me he wants to work on himself and us, which I believe is sincere. His was an emotional affair that resulted in a sexual encounter. Before he told me about the affair he confessed to having been addicted to pornography and masturbation from 20 years. I do love him and want to help him through this and heal myself. Given our particular background I can empathize with his fear of telling anyone of his struggle and thinking he could just get over it himself and then getting scared out of his pants when he "lost control" and wanted the AP so badly. He's told me he wants to be with me but he still wants her and the safety he felt with her. Especially since I've asked for time before resuming intimacy he says that makes him want her since she was willing and I'm rejecting him. I can see his faulty thought processes and how the sexual addiction has affected his mind but he doesn't seem to see it, he just expresses feeling rejected. I'm struggling to find the balance between doing things to show love to my spouse in ways that are meaningful to him and rebuild the relationship, and not doing them to try to convince him to want me over his AP or to be more appealing than her. In addition, the addiction aspect has me concerned that I'm feeding that need for a mood modifier or dopamine if I do anything nice or especially sexually intimate with him. Am I hurting his recovery by trying to be supportive and loving?



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