Q&A Am I Wrong to Expect Him to Work His Way Back to My Heart?

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My husband had an emotional and sexual affair for 7 months with one of our family friends. I am in a lot of pain. One of the painful things for me is the fact that he seemed to show so much love and romanticism towards her that he is not showing to me. He used to speak on the phone with her multiple times daily, and sometimes for extended amounts of time, sometimes 30-40 min at a time. He never spoke so long with me. When I asked what they spoke about, he initially said they talked about what’s going on in their lives, nothing important, but later I found out that they also were talking about how their sexual performance was. He is not telling me too much and it hurts me to know that with her he was able to talk about such intimate things that with me he never talked. We are now working to restore our marriage and he is trying to make things right. When I ask him how come he was able to do those things with her and not with me, he says that whatever was with her was a mistake. I agree with that, but in my mind I see that he was able to be more in love with her than with me. Am I seeing things wrong? Why he is not doing the things he did for her for me? He is saying I am not doing them either (meaning I am not talking lengthy times with him and I am not talking about sexual things) but he is the one who needs to pursue me, he is the one who betrayed. Right now I see that it isn’t wrong for me to only expect him to work his way back to my heart and not vice versa. Am I wrong?



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Thank you for that.

This was one of the most helpful videos for me. I always felt like may wayward spouse needed to do a lot more for me to kind of make amends. However after that video I realized that maybe I was jealous because I thought he did a lot more for her. However I now realize that most of all what we did „for her“ was for himself and the term „ego-massage“ describes it so wonderfully. I think that finally being open and honest and being vunerable to me is much more loving than anything he could have done for her. I am thankful for this perspective and I love the last sentence of this video. It will forever be in my heart.

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