Q&A Can I Change My Unfaithful Mates Perception of the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

We’re 18 months from D-Day and 2 years from the start of the affair. The affair started as a drunken one night stand on a bachelor weekend away with his friends where coincidentally the bachelor’s female cousin & 3 friends were staying. The affair was with one of those friends. We’ve done couple counseling & EMS, and still do individual counseling. I see amazing growth in both of us. Our ability to talk compassionately has improved beyond belief. I feel I have complete disclosure & the affair ended when I found out. My struggle throughout recovery has been his view of the AP. While he no longer praises her as he once did I still feel he doesn’t truly see how calculated & manipulative she was. I asked why out of the 4 easy women there, why was she the one he slept with. He said it was because she was the only one who paid attention to him. To me that’s still positive, to me she was the only narcissist there who purposely pursued a married man and set the stage for the affair to happen. When they came home he played on his guilt & shame to keep the affair going. She orchestrated every meeting they had during the 5 months together. Do I let it go and realize this is part of his work? He is learning about how narcissistic his mom was and is starting to see similarities between her & the AP. Should I keep pushing for him to see it so I can feel safe that he won’t be manipulated like that again?

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