Q&A Do You Have Any Recommendations for Communicating My Needs?

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Question: 

Do you have any recommendations for communicating my needs for restoring trust to my unfaithful husband? We are 10 months out from discovery of a type 2 affair that went on for 4 months. We completed EMSO in February and were feeling hopeful regarding the possibility of recovery, but when I began to struggle with triggers just a few weeks later, he would either leave or get very defensive. We have been separated since D-Day. Over the last 10 months, he has gradually changed all of his passwords so that I cannot log in to his email or bank accounts. I don't necessarily think it is because he is hiding something; I truly believe that it is because he fears being controlled. We have tried 2 different marriage therapists with no success because he gets defensive, full of rage, and walks out. His answers to my questions about porn use and the affair are extremely vague and defensive. I believe that he is now just wanting to forget the past and start again without really dealing with the past...which is not an option for me. Do you think some type of intervention is necessary at this point?

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The Past

DEAL WITH THE PAST! My UH and I didn’t really spend the time dealing with his first affair that he had with his ex wife 25 years ago. This has come back to bite me in the butt a million times over. We are now going through affair recovery and I am having the need to go back 25 years to understand how we didn’t really do much as far as working on understanding and doing the necessary work for recovery at that time. I believe we let time and our busy lives bury the affair. Present tense, I am grieving a relationship that I thought was okay, and yes, it could have been better. NOW, I’m seeing this reality. No, we weren’t having sex. We were roommates living mostly separate lives. Neither one of us were able to communicate other than grocery shopping, what TV show, etc. Now, pornography, one night bar pickups, online affair sites, physical and emotional affairs have been on my UH’s plate for 9 years? Or more? I have Trickle truthing as a bombshell waiting to be dropped on me by my UH. Triggers are everywhere. My safety is with my HH group. How sad is it that the only people you find you can begin to trust are in my little IPAD screen. I wouldn’t know these strong women if I was walking down the road towards them. Find the strength and healing for yourself first and foremost. Your UH needs to also understand the reasons for violating your marriage vows. He also needs to be on the journey to understand how he could be this evil. It’s a journey I needed to take 25 years ago. Now, we are spending retirement money and so much time is being invested educating myself about infidelity and what it takes to heal from these selfish actions of my UH that it’s overwhelming for me. This wasn’t the education I was looking for in retirement. Do it now! It doesn’t go away, it gets buried instead, and comes back to be dealt with later in life.