Q&A How Can I Cleanse My Body and Heart?

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Question: 

My husband had sex with me while he was seeing and having sex with his AP. I knew nothing about this, because on D-Day, he confessed to an emotional affair only. We did 8 months of recovery work and healing last year, during which sex was frequent. On D-Day two I learned that the affair was emotional and also EXTREMELY physical, and that my husband and his lover used no protection but morning after pills. I feel so violated and filthy. The shame is intense. I never would have been with him physically ANY of those times if I'd known I was sharing her DNA (and her husband's!) and potentially exposing myself to STDs. I was date-raped in high school, and this feels so similar. I had no choice about the rape or the affair. I had no opportunity to make an adult decision based on truth when it came to sex with my husband during or after his affair. While none of this is my fault, I still feel defiled and dirty. How can I cleanse my body and heart?

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Glycerin soap

Seeing so many similarities in my life with this video, I am old enough to be the child’s grandmother that John was talking about. I can also see that the glycerin soap would be therapeutic for me, too.
I’ve done the scrubbing and scrubbing with tears flowing down my cheeks and I still felt icky after getting out of the shower.
I’m going to get the “magic gentle glycerin soap.” Maybe in time, this can also be a healing balm for me. Thank you.

I had a fantasy of scrubbing

I had a fantasy of scrubbing my husband's hands/fingers until I scrubbed the skin off, just to get rid of the feeling of touching her. I never shared that with him, nor did I dwell on that fantasy, but it would come to mind once in a while.

This past week he was doing some sanding work, and without realizing it he sanded off the top skin of his finger tips. I shared with him what I'd thought, how I'd never have asked him to or anything, but how it had made my heart smile when he told me he'd sanded off his skin. That sounds terrible to type, but it was such a sweet moment for me as only God knew of my desire.

I have had to work through the feelings of sexual trauma and feeling violated because he had sex with me while he was with his AP, and it did bring up feelings similar to rape. It has been intense, and there are still days that are hard, but ett and finding a cleansing ritual have been helpful for me.