I am struggling to feel like I am special to my husband. He states he did not love his affair partner and often did not really like her, but he and I were disconnected at that time, which is accurate, and he liked the attention. She was his boss, so they spent many hours together, including having sex, working out together and socializing, often together with me and sometimes our children. Although I believe the affair was not incredibly meaningful to him, and it was primarily physical, I feel like there is nothing left for me that makes me special. I feel like since he did not seem to value monogamy, sex with me can’t mean much to him since he was able to give it away to someone else. I feel very petty saying this, and thank goodness this is anonymous! I struggle knowing there isn’t even any kind of sex or position that I can claim as only mine. He is emphatic that it didn’t mean anything with her and that he loved me during the affair and sex with me was still special even then, and with her it was just mechanical and to serve a purpose - though I find that very hard to believe. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but it hurts me to know he didn’t save anything for just me. This goes along with knowing versus feeling in chapter 4 of Harboring Hope. How can I ever feel special again?