Q&A How Do I Handle My Husband’s Continued Obsessive Thoughts about the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

It has been 1 year and 6 months since D-Day. He has come a long way since then in that he was completely in love with her and thought he was going to leave me for her. But he never left our home and family and eventually did end his affair with her. We have been working on our marriage and he tells me he loves me and wants to make our new marriage work. I can see a complete change and commitment in him. The problems arise when I ask about his feelings about her or any contact he is making with her. He says he does still miss her but doesn’t feel the way he did about her. They both work for the city, and he confessed that he does walk to certain areas that he expects to run into her or see her. He also checks up on her on the city wide calendar. He says he has not actually had any contact with her though, and hasn’t even spoken to her in a very long time. He does have issues with OCD and says he is working on it, but can’t seem to stop himself from these behaviors. I tell him that this is still a betrayal and cheating and I can’t continue to be cheated on. I don’t know what to do! He asks me to not give up on him. How long do I wait for him to stop? I’m afraid he never will. My thoughts are that he should leave his job and get far away from her if he truly wants to be with me. He has just started his Hope for Healing group and I am just finishing my Harboring Hope group. We have never disclosed his affair to our adult children. I often wonder if he needs to hit rock bottom before he stops these behaviors. I can’t continue to live in a marriage where I’m cheated on. I have finally gotten my self-esteem back, and finding that he is still having obsessive thoughts and behaviors about her just kills me all over again and sends me spiraling out of control.

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