Q&A How Do I Process All This in a Healthy Way?

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Question: 

My husband and I have been married for 23 years this month. 2 1/4 years ago he was arrested in our business. This made the local news. This was very public and a lawsuit followed. The arrest was preceded by porn and alcohol addiction and I think a lot pain in my husband’s life. God has been so gracious with us. He is given us the funds and the comfort. I’m still in this marriage. He and I still have our business; however it depends on me being there. His probation is now over and now I want to focus on us. I have attended Harboring Hope his probation is now over and now I want to focus. I have attended Harboring Hope June 2018. We attended EMS Weekend March 2019. I’m not feeling any safer in the relationship or trusting in it. I’ve been advised by a couple lady pastors at my church that are part of a ministry to women called Bridge, that I need to decide what I can live with and possibly look at divorce. These ladies have walked with me through the last two years and know all the details. I know that I have been advised to feel what I need to feel. Right now I just want to cry because I don’t know if he is going to rise to the occasion and provide what I need or if he’s going to still walk in this shame. I find it a difficult balance to not put shame on him but to also stand up for what I need and feel. We are with each other all the time because we work together in our business. I think about going back to school. I already have a degree but it’s in Psychology and elementary education and I am not sure if I want to pursue that. Our situation is so tricky. We just went to our second marriage counseling session a couple days ago. He felt like the counselor and I were ganging up on him. I’ve come to realize that he is narcissistic. The beauty about what happened (public shame) is that God can really heal him if he’d allow it. How do process from here? Should I go take another drive around the block and cry?

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