Q&A How Do We Build Trust When I Don't Quite Feel Safe Yet?

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My husband and I are 7 months post disclosure with polygraph. Before that I had 9 months of "trickle truth" and discovered my husband had 2 one time encounters and 1 long term physical and emotional affair ranging from 2006-2011. He also had an encounter with a prostitute in December of 2018, which is when I caught him. He has also engaged in porn and masturbation our whole relationship. I find myself still stuck in the reaction task of recovery and unable to move forward because I don't quite feel safe yet. I have been searching for "why don't I feel safe yet" for months. He is active in recovery work and really wants to save the marriage. One of the reasons is because I really believe he has a problem with sexual addiction and he does not feel he does, although we are seeing a CSAT counselor and he does attend SA meetings (without doing the steps). Another reason is that he is not a reliable person. He tells white lies, is irresponsible, and will say he is going to do something and never follows through. This has always been his personality and most of the time the unreliability is about general life, not the infidelity. I do feel that this unreliability and lying has contributed to his infidelity. So my question is, in your experience, should he have to change these irresponsible personality traits or is this something I will have to accept? I believe he should, but he claims it is difficult because that is the way he has been his whole life and it doesn't have anything to do with his infidelity. How do we build trust when I don't quite feel safe yet? How do I make him see how these personality traits contribute to infidelity and lack of safety?



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not feeling safe

I can really relate to this question as I feel the same way!

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