Q&A How Much Blame Can We Assign to the Affair Partner?

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My husband was clearly targeted and manipulated by his affair partner. He gets very defensive when I say this and he wants to solely own the affair. He says that she saw he was wounded and knew he was an easy target because he had a low self-esteem and our marriage wasn’t perfect. To me that puts too much blame on the marriage and says I couldn’t see how fragile he was and that I sent him to the wolves. I like to compare it to a home robbery. There is a difference between having robbers surveying the place and watch you leave the door unlock so they easily go in and take everything. Opposed to robbers realizing the door was weak but the owners were still locking it not realizing they needed to rebuild the door. In both scenarios the robbers still had no business taking what wasn’t there. The difference lies in the responsibility of the home owner. I am willing to own the areas we both needed to improve in our marriage but I do not want to minimize her role in it. He didn’t seek her out she sought him and exploited him and to me that is a huge distinction. And the fact that he fights me on it really hurts me and leaves me feeling he rather I sit in this pain then to give her anything less than credit for being gifted enough to see his “truth”.



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