Q&A How Is This Not about Me?

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Question: 

By now I consider you old friends, willing to lend a helping hand to those of us out here floundering in the mire. I completely understand that addictive behavior isn’t about the spouse but a compulsive behavior. However, as the spouse of an addict, whenever I hear from you, and now also from my husband because he’s started to mimic the jargon, “it’s not about you”, here’s what goes through my mind....I was rejected in the bedroom because pregnant women didn’t do anything for him, as a fitness instructor I was 18% body fat and my Santa look alike husband told me I could stand to lose a few more pounds, I waited countless hours at home while he was “busy” at work, I was a single parent every Saturday morning while he went to work to get his fix, he left me at church every Sunday so he could be “busy” with no fear of interruptions. Weekdays, he never came home before 7:00 p.m. so he could have office privacy to be “busy” in. He came home, never ate with the family, grabbed a bite on his way to the basement and stayed up till after 1:00 am. He was angry with me for calling him when he was on the road and said he only called me because I made him. And addiction isn’t about me? I gave up my entire life so he could be intimate with thousands. I understand I am/was codependent, I just finished Harboring Hope. I’m fully aware I’m an idiot. I thought I was married to a workaholic. But in more ways than I can count, porn addiction is about the whole family. Now he’s taking Hope for Healing by my encouragement but the first D-Day was 7 years ago. The last major disclosure was only 2 weeks ago as he started H4H. I just want to be done, but he took this class at my suggestion. Now I feel obligated to stay till he finishes. Addiction is not about me? I lost 40 years of my life to something that’s not about me. What’s 12 more weeks? I’m dying here, but it’s not about me. It’s not about me.

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