How Can the Betrayer Get Past Guilt When Spouse Gives Constant Criticism?

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Question: 

I have had one emotional affair and another inappropriate non physical chance interaction with another woman while on a business trip that involved conversation which lead to texting late into the night. Both were discovered by my wife vs me disclosing. In addition, through my own self-deception it took me a long time to accept that the first was indeed an affair. I tried to lie to cover up both and even tried to justify the second. All of this dates back 9 years with the first and nearly 1 year with the second. My delaying the truth and slowly letting out details has caused huge issues in the healing process between me and my wife. My deception has lead to a severe lack of trust from someone who already had trust issues coming into our relationship. Our relationship has been riddled with criticism for almost the entire 20 years we have been married and i feel like every decision and everything I have done and been involved in has been criticized in some way. My question is this, when a betrayer comes to the realization of the pain they have caused and understands their vulnerability and what has gotten them to the point that they are and they carry a lot of guilt because of their decisions, how do they get past the guilt and build intimacy and trust back into the relationship when every disclosure and every shared feeling is met with additional criticism. I have been afraid to share for years because of this and have been resolved of late, to be honest with all aspects of my life and try to keep my spouse included on daily details, feelings, thoughts, and emotions all in the hopes of becoming a safe person for her again. However, when this continues to be met with harsh criticism it makes me not want to share and continues to drive separation between. How can a betrayer get past the guilt when the constant criticism is a part of life nearly every day?

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