Q&A Did My Husband Prefer His Affair Partner over Me?

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My husband’s year long affair with his boss was minimally emotional, but fully sexual. He describes it as sexually unsatisfying and very awkward, but providing the attention he craved. The first months were intense, but there was a “break” for a few months. My husband describes feeling indifferent and wanting to get away from her but not being able to leave the job. I knew they were involved but didn’t know how deeply. I asked him repeatedly. He denied everything. I was devastated and terrified. I swallowed my pride and fear and bought candles, lingerie etc. and was overtly more sexual and attentive, and tried to be a better wife. I was competing for my husband, even though he would not admit to the competition. He enjoyed this and appeared to refocus on me. However, I now know that he went back to her for sex a few times. He was not able to perform, but continued to return to her. I feel he must have preferred her; even with my best efforts I was still not enough, or not as good as the affair partner. He denies this, but can’t explain why he went back to her during this time. He said she “enticed” him on those occasions, but they involved planning ahead so it was not a momentary feeling. We are 19 months from D-Day, have attended EMS Weekend and Harboring Hope. We are closer now than ever before, but this haunts me and is an insurmountable barrier to healing.



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Wayne touched on an issue that I thought it was interesting, especially because Wayne mentioned that he was not surprised and it was that the husband found he could not perform with his AP.

My husband was involved with prostitutes and says that he could not perform as well as he wanted to (imagine that!) and he decided to take Viagra to enhance his performance which it did as he continued his behavior for a couple of years.

My question is why is not surprising that the unfaithful can't perform sexually with the AP? I see this as issue of the person's sinful acts but I am curious as to the physiological/psychological reasons why this may happen.

Thank you.

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