Q&A How Do I Balance Guarding My Heart with Building Intimacy in EMS Online When My Mate Is Still Engaging His Affair Partner?

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My husband and I are halfway through EMS Online. We separated four months ago at discovery because he was certain he wanted to keep her in his life but not certain he wanted our marriage. He wasn't certain he wanted out of the marriage though, so although he maintained his relationship with his affair partner, we did some marriage counseling, then the Affair Recovery Bootcamp, now finally EMS Online. He reluctantly agreed to cut contact for 90 days during EMS Online, but I discovered he hadn't. I asked on multiple occasions if he had broken the contract or had any contact and each time he denied it. Finally I let him know I knew he was lying to me. He says he's tried to contact her less frequently but it's difficult because he feels hopeless and she's the only thing that makes him feel better. She's the only place in his life he doesn't feel like a failure. He doesn't want to be "cruel" to her and cut her off. For my part, I'm tired of not being chosen. I'm tired of him not caring how cruel he is to me. I want to continue EMS Online as long as he's willing, just to see what happens, but I'm not sure how to interact with him. The course encourages being completely open and willing to have fun with one another and being vulnerable, which makes sense for a couple reconciling... But my husband isn't sure yet if he wants to reconcile and he hasn't been able to say that my feelings or our marriage are more important to him than hers or his relationship with her ... I feel like I should guard my heart and only talk to him about the class and business items and otherwise let him initiate anything else. Do you agree? Do you have any other advice for walking this delicate line? Our marriage may be over at the end of EMS Online if nothing changes.



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End of my wits with Ending the Affair

I hear you! I really hear you! I am at my wits end with ending the affair.

We are separated for the second time. (The first time he acknowledges he didn’t do it the way he wanted, he stayed with a friend, now he is in his own apartment)
Within two weeks of moving out he disclosed it was the wrong decision and wanted to come back but has continued to engage with AP.

My UH and I are in the individual AR programs.
Two days ago, after asking for proof the affair is over, he allowed me entry to our company (it has been over a year since I have been in our office). It is in the hornets nest, UH works directly with AP, that I found evidence on his phone that only hours prior she sent a message indicating he made her cum at work, his response: sorry not sorry.
I am beyond devastated. This text chain also indicated that he had participated the night before in sexual phone conversation. No where in the messaging does he say, whoa I crossed the line. I told you I would listen but that I was going back to my wife. I was completely disrespectful to her and both of us by allowing more engagement. No one word indicating ‘I made a mistake, the affair is over’
He professes she knows the affair is over, that he is moving home, that he only did it to help her move on, soften the blow of having to find a new job.
My brain screams, why the bleep would she find a new job when you are still verbally (or physically) sexually and emotionally engaged?!??
How is this line of conversation indicating MY needs are more important than hers?!??!?

I suggest you ask your husband (as I did) watch the Ending the Affair: 6 Steps video.
It is one thing to end the affair but if the door isn’t closed, locked and key thrown away where no one can find it...relapse and re-engagement is a extremely high risk.
I believe my UH is a caring man, a good man but he has to decide to truly end the affair, to the point of understanding that any contact is a deep betrayal of building trust, and put my needs above hers.
The videos give excellent examples of what to do if the AP reaches out.
If our UH can’t do this, there is no more we can do.
I believe there is always hope, but our UH have to take responsibility for our healing by NOT re-engaging, re-lapsing. I know this is no small feet for them, and I congratulate and applaud all the strong, courageous Unfaithful spouses that day after day continue to NOT re-lapse, for themselves, their Betrayed Spouse and for their AP (because this too hurts them).
Stay strong, you do not have to decide today to stay or go.
Allow space while you are in the EMS to learn and heal yourself, and see how you feel and think at the end. So much can change.
I am hopeful for all of us.

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-D, Texas