Q&A How Do I Recover from My Anger Resulting from an Unhealthy Recovery Process?

Submitted by Rick_Reynolds Thu, 09/10/2020 - 15:47

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Question: 

After the shocking discovery and months more lies, I believed we had full disclosure and a common understanding of what happened 3 months ago. I started working towards acceptance. I can feel the triggers were getting less intense. My husband hates himself. I'm the punching bag. I comfort him a lot and encourage him when he is overwhelmed by shame. I find myself constantly fearful of sharing my feelings with him because he will get rage and become verbally abusive easily. Now I find myself starting to get more and more resentful when I'm triggered. I feel even less trust towards him than earlier in the recovery. Because of the growing distrust, I start to think maybe there are more lies. I will panic when he is not home. I'm angry. All the emotion that was repressed seems to become funky. I don't see how he can help me since he is still in his self-shaming world. I've been talking to one friend and a therapist. What else can I do to process this anger for myself?

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This was me just a few months

Submitted by [name hidden] on

This was me just a few months ago. My UH has always had such a major anger issue. I finally had to tell him to simply stop his abuse or I would have to leave or he would have to leave until he got it under control for good. Our EMSO leader had to tell him to stop, and she explained what he was actually doing to me, that the results of his abuse could result in physical harm for me later on. I was so stressed out, so depressed, and even my doctor was concerned for my health.

He agreed to stop and I gave a timeline of 2 months. All of July and all of August there could be no abuse, and it went pretty well. No rage. No name calling. No threatening to leave. A few disagreements, but that's marriage.

I realized the issue was if he didn't have me as his emotional punching bag, he'd have to figure his emotions out on his own. He would treat me so awfully and then feel better afterward, leaving me traumatized for weeks. It's just not okay. Nobody deserves to be treated so horribly.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas