Q&A How Do We Move Forward When My Spouse Is Still in Contact with the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

How do I maneuver though communications with my spouse during separation when my spouse is still in contact with the affair partner? He says his aim is to get well to reconcile with me. We've been married 20 years with 3 young kids. We've been separated for a month and it's a 3-month controlled separation. We've set financial and childcare boundaries. He's doing Hope for Healing, Married for Life, and seeing a therapist. The struggle is the amount and type of communication, interaction we should be doing with each other outside of kids, obligations, etc. There's moments of hope when we communicate (loving interaction) and then cold breezes that come between us as he distances himself. He has this intimacy barrier up - attachment avoidance - it seems - so that we don't get too close. This is all very confusing to me. He’s told me that he’s in the process of untangling the relationship and that it’s complicated. I find it difficult to know how to interact on a daily basis. I enjoy his company and attention but am I making it too easy to continue to have both worlds despite being physically separated. Also, he’s told our kids it’s only for 3 months until he’s well. Many indicators make me believe he intends for reconciliation – but we haven’t even started the process because he will not commit to no contact with the affair partner.

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