Q&A How Do We Stop the Insanity?

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D-Day was 2 years ago. We are definitely better than we were and I’m encouraged by improvement. We often really enjoy one another and are back to normal. But at least once a week my husband gets angry, distant and upset. It’s 24 hours of arguing, anger and disappointment. I have done nothing but work hard to atone for my affair. I’m an open book, very honest and open and we go to counselor and read books and are taking EMS course. My husband just can’t seem to get past this. He seems to perpetually believe this has to mean something. I do not love my affair partner and want to be here. Are there some people who just refuse to move past this? People who just refuse to let it go despite all the positive progress that is made? He says he definitely loves me and wants us together. Why won’t he just stop the insanity?



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I don't think it's fair to

I don't think it's fair to just blame the husband for not moving on. Calling it "insanity" and saying that you argue tell me that the wife is maybe not reacting like she should. I'm three years out and still react the way the husband does in this question (I'm a betrayed wife). I can tell you my husband demeaning my reactions, e.g. saying I'm acting "insane", and arguing with me when I express my feelings are EXACTLY why we're stuck. It doesn't matter how much recovery work you do if the betrayer is not talking to the betrayed in a safe, kind, understanding, empathetic way (not arguing, not ever) and making them feel that their reactions are acceptable (not insane).

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