Q&A How Does Trauma Bonding Impact Recovery?

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Question: 

My husbands 5 month affair was the result of a trauma bonded relationship. It started with a mutual friend one drunken night on a weekend get away. The other woman clearly set up the scenario that kept her sober and him drunk but then she faked getting sick to get him to walk her to her hotel room. He foolishly succumbed to her advances. He was so uncomfortable with it he not only suffered erection issues but he spent the rest of the trip sick and came home 9lbs lighter. Upon return to his family he was wrought with shame and guilt which she used to her advantage as she stroked his ego and led him to believe no one but she would ever appreciate him. Thus beginning the addiction cycle. He has repeatedly said my discovery was the best thing that happened in the affair because it freed him of her web. The problem now is that while he can clearly say he was manipulated when speaking of specifics he defaults to how she was taking care of him. I.e. She would order his food and instead saying she was controlling he says she did it to help him because he was indecisive. (A problem he's never had in 22years!) How do I now help him see the truth so he can be free of feeling beholden to her without bringing him more shame or seemingly like I'm now being controlling.

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