Q&A Can You Help Me Reframe My Thinking?

To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
Gain unlimited access to over 1,800 articles and expert Q&A videos.
Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.


My husband takes full responsibility and is patient and supportive to me in my pain. He is now the husband I have always wanted. I cognitively understand the pain and brokenness that made him vulnerable to his affair. However, it is still hard for me to focus empathy and compassion, as he chose to deceive and betray me for over a year. I can’t help but feel that he got away with everything. No one else knows about the affair. It was over 10 years ago and he suffered no outward consequences in terms of family, social, or professional repercussions, etc. Everyone sees him as a strong Christian, and a dedicated husband and father of good moral character. I know he feels deeply remorseful for the impact it has on me. He is thankful for my forgiveness (in progress) and God’s forgiveness. But since I am committed to stay, he did not lose me or our relationship. He also did not lose our exclusivity as he chose to give that away. I know he is suffering from witnessing the pain he created, but my selfish, shallow side feels like once I heal and we move on, he will have gotten away with it and will always have this special and exciting chapter in his life tucked away, and I am not part of it. I know this is not how he views it. Can you help me reframe my thinking?



RL_Media Type: 

Wondering how you would

Wondering how you would approach this for those who are agnostic? What are these internal consequences of which you speak?

Refraiming our opinion of consequences

This was an excellent question and i love that Wayne brought back to asking God about what we betrayed think our unfaithful spouse is getting away with. It is especially painful when we don't see any outward consequences they may be experiencing for their selfish behavior. It think this is part of the forgiveness process. I hope that when I'm all the way through my forgiving the deceit, the betrayal, the pain he has inflicted on me, that I am able to have compassion for the life-long consequences of such cruel behavior.

I put myself in his shoes and I know that I know that I know that it'd be extremely difficult to live with the knowledge that I caused this much pain to my spouse. I would not want to trade places with my husband, as much pain as I am now. Even though they are not judged by others, God will ask for an account of all we did, thought, and said. That alone is more than enough to make me not want to act as they did.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas