Q&A How Does the Betrayed Spouse Get Over the Treatment by the Unfaithful While in an Affair?

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How do I let go of the way he treated me while he was in the affair? I felt diminished, unappreciated, disregarded, and used especially when he used stonewalling tactics and blame shifting! His treatment then haunts me still now. Is this just another area that I will have to offer forgiveness? There are days when I just feel a large amount of distance between us. I don't know if it is real or my imagination, but this distance makes me feel beaten down. I am not sure how to function when he is having an off day or is extremely stressed as these are triggers to the past, how he behaved and I felt during the affair. How do I manage this? I usually take a mind-over-matter approach and focus on what is real, what is important. I assume I am projecting his mood onto my own fears and emotions, but I would rather leave those fears and emotions in the past. But then I worry because that is how I dealt with those emotions during the affair – I didn’t acknowledge them then.

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Thank you for the Idea of

Thank you for the Idea of keeping a list of what is different/good change. As soon as I heard that I went to my phone's Memo feature and started a list. I keep hearing 'focus on the good' , 'find something good in each day'. Keeping this list will help me to quantify the good. We are 8 months from discovery. I think at some where around the 6 month mark the reality of it all started really sinking in. I know we do some things better as far as talking through things but I like the idea of keeping a list of the good changes. With respect to talking to him when I have triggers, I feel like that is one of the areas where we are starting to struggle. He really had no clue what this recovery process would look like. He confessed to the affair.. We confronted her together about 6 weeks later to tell her I knew and to stay away. When we returned home he literally was euphoric. Looking back, I was clearly still in shock and survival mode. Neither of us had any idea what was coming. 8 months in, I sometimes am cautious of bringing up triggers and find myself keeping them to myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. Lately he seems to go into withdrawal and the self message of 'i'll never be good enough'. Big triggers, I speak up. But, for example, he had taped a particular concert when it was shown on television live about 2 1/2 years ago. We watched it together live at that time. We have watched it a couple of times since. Last night he turned it on for the first time since discovery. I immediately went back to memories of watching it live. Knowing it had been a few years, I googled the date of the live performance - It was in the heat of the affair. I flooded inside. It was another reality punch of ' things weren't what I thought they were'. Every memory during that time is false or in a shadow... I excused myself and went to bed early.

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