Q&A How Will My Spouse See That I Never Loved My Affair Partner?

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Question: 

My wife thinks that because my affair lasted a few years it had to be love. I said it was a friendship turned affair then I broke it off when reality set in.

 

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After listening to your

After listening to your response I still don't know the answer. The wife said she doesn't understand how her spouse could not have loved the AP considering the length of the affair. I have the same question. How could you carry on an affair for 3 years and not love the AP?

Emotional attachments

I struggle with this same issue. My H spent 18 hours a day for nearly 5 months in contact online and for a about a week, secretly on the phone, with a woman he met in a game website. He was so deeply immersed in this online world and so secretive and protective of their relationship I cannot believe there were no love/romantic/attraction feelings involved. After allowing him to become so deeply immersed in his cyber-world (which he says was an escape from the difficulties of real life) it took more than 3 years to start making him see the reality I was living while he escaped into his ipad game from 8am to 4am daily. All the while, I lived in long, silent, lonely days without companionship or company, nevermind affection - he stopped even kissing me goodnight within weeks of meeting her. Growing tired and irritated with loneliness and boredom, and hurting for what was once such a very close connection between us, I asked to join in his game with him. I was refused (which he explained by saying he was trying to keep a controlled environment on the game and I would ruin that because I have an "Alpha" personality that would clash with the "Alpha" personality of this other female.) He also would not join me to play the same game separately from her. In other words, he wouldn't leave the area of the game she was in. He wouldn't leave the game period. He would not spend any time with me doing anything else. My requests for other activities together were met with excuses like "we have no money, no common interests, etc). Other times I was met with a petulant child attitude. He would throw his iPad down on the bed, cross his arms, roll his eyes, and stare off into space and say "Fine! What do you want to do then?!" As if to imply that if I couldn't come up with something better than what he already had going on then leave him alone. And the message was clear: there was nothing in this world he wanted more than to be where he was and that was in his cyber world. I used to be enough that he enjoyed just sitting and talking to me . Apparently this was no longer true. He says his entire interest in her was due to me, yes ME, telling him she was a "catfish" and he wanted to "out" her. Much to my shock and horror, 3 months after he started this "game"" I find texts between them that are purely flirting - texts and phone calls that had been hidden from me but conducted right here in the same room with me. (Talk about being super-deceptive) 28 calls and texts back and forth in one 7 hour period. At one point I saw him refuse to answer a couple of calls. I asked who it was and he lied to keep me from knowing it was her calling. He simply wouldn't answer her calls in front of me but waited til I took a nap to call her back. Nothing in those texts involved talking about the game they were playing (which was ostensibly the reason for using the phone in the first place). I asked him to end the phone contact, and didn't mind if he had a female friend online- even if they were flirty and it was hurting me because I was afraid of and felt I was losing him. He was flirting like a lovesick teenager with her while heaping criticism, verbal abuse and rejection at me. Now, currently he says he was in a very bad state of mind at the time and had never considered how this all looked or felt to me, but he swears by his life he had no feelings for this woman, no matter that I repeatedly caught him lying and hiding to continue contact with her in every way I had asked him to stop and even plainly had told him on DDay "this is breaking my heart". He did not care and would not stop with her. If anything, they intensified. It all only ended when I found she'd sent him a photo of "herself" half nude, that he bookmarked and kept in his device. When I found that, I pulled the plug and told him simply "you two are through". He never chose me once, not for a minute the entire time and he didnt choose to end it with her so I remain 2nd choice forever and I cannot believe that if you so desperately need to be in contact with someone else 18 hours a day for nearly 5 months on 2 different devices -even if they're in another state- I cannot believe that feelings of attraction, interest, fondness and yes LOVE are not present. If you are not doing anything you shouldn't be doing, you should be able to have those conversations in front of your spouse. All their conversations that weren't texts only took place at night after I went to sleep or he would go outside the house or drive away in the car to call her. I don't know if this love could ever be what it once was to me.

Replying again

THIS WAS MY JOURNAL TODAY:
Our work schedule will be changing up soon where I'm going to be on day shift hopefully as the lead - officially as the lead with the pay raise and title that goes with it- which is good news, but the sad news is that I'm actually looking forward to me and Craig being on opposite shifts for a while because I feel like it will do us some good not to be together 24/7. I know that for me just being with him is a trigger because it hurts to be with him without the relationship between us that used to be there.

937pm
Im afraid there's always going to be a part of me that can't believe he had no feelings of attraction or interest in her. For 1: the question was not put to rest soon enough and no sign of love or care for my feelings was seen for too long. For 2: He held on to the lies he told for so long and so insistently I cannot believe he was covering up "nothing" for that long. He was just too determined to keep me from knowing the truth.

I can kiss him, hug him, talk to him, etc, but the feelings that made it feel like something special happening between us are gone. He's just there now, not the source of joy and happiness that made me look forward to getting up everyday. The last 4 years has felt much like what I think a child would feel like - a child with parents who are divorced and the child patiently stands on the driveway every weekend waiting for his other parent to pick him up for the weekend and never shows up. The child sadly waits while his his parent has forgotten him, or never intended to be there in the first place. The child felt he wasn't good enough for his dad to even bother with, didn't want to see him, and the repeated packing of the suitcase, filled with hope and imagining activities they'd do together only to be disappointed every time keeps retraumatizing and hirting him until one day he finally quits packing that suitcase. Then one day this dumbass dad shows up and is actually mad and irritated that the child wasn't waiting to leap into his arms.