Q&A If Relapse Continues, Does the Effort by the Betrayed Even Matter?

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Question: 

We are 9 months from D-Day #1 and 3 months from D-Day #2 - two different emotional affair partners. I could get my head around the gaps in our marriage that created vulnerability during #1, but everything he listed as a gap was in place prior to #2 (intimacy, affection, time together, etc.) I simply can’t get my head around the what or why of #2 - and “I was still sick” is getting old. I keep reading about the importance of a “healthy” relationship as an element in relapse/affair prevention. I also read and hear that the affair happens in isolation of the primary relationship. That the cheating spouse can be in love with their spouse and still have an affair. And I get the part about doing individual work, but I am quite discouraged that all I am trying to do to build our relationship really doesn’t matter. So what’s the point? My question - if the betrayer is in love with his wife, the relationship is on track and delivering what he says is missing and he still cheats, does all of the work and vulnerability on the part of the betrayed really matter?

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