Q&A Is It Important for the Betrayed Spouse to Get the Details?

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Dear Rick,

I am a betrayed spouse and your website has been a tremendous blessing in helping me heal. After listening to quite a number of Q&A's on the website and reading some books about affair recovery, I am surprised to learn that the majority of women seem to be interested in learning about all of the details of their husband's affair. I am having a hard time understanding that. I know some of the details of my husband's 1 year affair with a co-worker but I feel that I don't want to torture myself anymore by knowing everything. Can you explain why the betrayed spouse would want so many details and if it's important for recovery.




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While I agree that there

While I agree that there comes a point of too many questions, in my experience my US was drip, dripping me and the words I was hearing were not matching the actions that had been done. My only way to gauge where I was in the relationship was to weigh the actions taken during the affair to the actions being taken after discovery.

The bad thing. Really bad thing, was I asked way to many detailed questions which set me up for a lifetime of flashbacks and a slow buildup of flooding which poured out as angry outbursts towards my spouse in the form of dropping the nuclear bomb to end/win any argument. Equally horrible for the relationship.

Unfortunately 35 years ago there was no 'Affair Recovery', only well meaning therapists who were selling the divorce is normal theme and "your children will be happier if you're happy" horse crap. Or at best "let's solve the problems in the marriage" instead of focusing on the affair and the injury to the betrayed first and then working on the unfaithful to understand the why and allow a safe space to be created for the marriage.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas