Q&A Is It My Fault That They Did What They Did?

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In EMS Online Week 1 & in Shirley Glass' “Not Just Friends”, there is a topic that seems to cause conflict between the unfaithful and the betrayed. The unfaithful are encouraged to bring what they liked about themselves in the affair into the marriage. The example of a sexually inhibited wife finding newfound sexual exploration is discussed and a man who is more fun with his affair partner versus a soccer dad with his wife. I have heard the unfaithful use this concept in a couple of different ways that we betrayed have difficulty with. In my Harboring Hope group there was a lady whose husband said he would not be unfaithful if she would give him oral sex. I interpret this as what did you like about YOURSELF. If a man felt great with the affair partner because he did not have to feel shame when he drank or watched porn then the couple should look at what needs to be done to reduce the shame. Stopping unhealthy behaviors, improving communication such as letting the wife know when he feels the need to escape from real life, engaging a counselor to figure out why he needs to escape. And of course a wife should never be coerced into any behavior or sexual act that she is not comfortable with, especially when threatened with infidelity as a consequence of not giving in. Can you give us the AR perspective on this?



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