Q&A Should I be Farther Along in Recovery?

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Question: 

Hi Rick, I am a month away from the 3 year mark of discovery, followed by 18 months of trickle truth. I am often upset with myself for not being further along in my recovery as I wish I could live my life with more peace and joy. The 18-24 months’ time frame for healing has come and gone. I have made a lot of progress but I wish I could be free from weight of this thing. We have completed EMSO, MFL and are continuing with monthly calls with our MFL group. (Note: My husband is very committed to our marriage and our recovery). I made a couple of mistakes in my recovery: 1. To this day, I have not told anyone (outside of my MFL group) about the affair. To that avail, I haven't had anyone to talk to, other than my husband. 2. I didn't work with a therapist. Needless to say, it has been a very isolating journey. My one confidante has been the AR site. When I'm reading forums or listening to expert videos, at times I feel like I've made a lot of progress, but I also feel foolish for not being further along. Do you think it can be harmful to spend too much time on the AR site? I don't want to tell any friends or family about the affair at this late stage, so I was curious if you had any thoughts on my approach. As always, I appreciate your wisdom.

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Sounds lonely.... talk to someone

I can so relate to thinking I should be further along, but I assure you that talking to "someone" (either a therapist or a confidant) will help you. You can control how much anyone knows. I waited over a year before I told anyone in my family. They had varied responses, but by that time I had decided I was staying in the marriage so even the ones who were angry and thought I should leave him, had little effect on me. One of my sister's was quite angry with me for not telling her sooner. I told her it was no one's RIGHT to know and that the reason I had not shared earlier was because I wanted the decision to be mine alone. I talk to my husband the most intimately, and of course the most often, but there are times when it feels like I am cuddling up to the dog that bit me!! I am 2 years, 6 mos, & 14 days out from D-day. I still hurt deeply. I am triggered fairly often. I am pretty resolved to the fact that I will never understand how or why he had the affaires. BUT, I choose to forgive, . I choose to continue to work towards healing. I choose to believe the story of our marriage is still being written!