Q&A Should I be Farther Along in Recovery?

To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
Gain unlimited access to over 1,800 articles and expert Q&A videos.
Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.


Hi Rick, I am a month away from the 3 year mark of discovery, followed by 18 months of trickle truth. I am often upset with myself for not being further along in my recovery as I wish I could live my life with more peace and joy. The 18-24 months’ time frame for healing has come and gone. I have made a lot of progress but I wish I could be free from weight of this thing. We have completed EMSO, MFL and are continuing with monthly calls with our MFL group. (Note: My husband is very committed to our marriage and our recovery). I made a couple of mistakes in my recovery: 1. To this day, I have not told anyone (outside of my MFL group) about the affair. To that avail, I haven't had anyone to talk to, other than my husband. 2. I didn't work with a therapist. Needless to say, it has been a very isolating journey. My one confidante has been the AR site. When I'm reading forums or listening to expert videos, at times I feel like I've made a lot of progress, but I also feel foolish for not being further along. Do you think it can be harmful to spend too much time on the AR site? I don't want to tell any friends or family about the affair at this late stage, so I was curious if you had any thoughts on my approach. As always, I appreciate your wisdom.



RL_Media Type: 

Sounds lonely.... talk to someone

I can so relate to thinking I should be further along, but I assure you that talking to "someone" (either a therapist or a confidant) will help you. You can control how much anyone knows. I waited over a year before I told anyone in my family. They had varied responses, but by that time I had decided I was staying in the marriage so even the ones who were angry and thought I should leave him, had little effect on me. One of my sister's was quite angry with me for not telling her sooner. I told her it was no one's RIGHT to know and that the reason I had not shared earlier was because I wanted the decision to be mine alone. I talk to my husband the most intimately, and of course the most often, but there are times when it feels like I am cuddling up to the dog that bit me!! I am 2 years, 6 mos, & 14 days out from D-day. I still hurt deeply. I am triggered fairly often. I am pretty resolved to the fact that I will never understand how or why he had the affaires. BUT, I choose to forgive, . I choose to continue to work towards healing. I choose to believe the story of our marriage is still being written!

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer

Free Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp

Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Be intentional with your healing with this free 7-day bootcamp.
I would highly recommend giving this a try.
-D, Texas