Q&A Should I Disclose the Additional Affair Details I Discovered?

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Would it be healthy/healing to disclose "evidence" I discovered about husband's affair when he has refused to disclose or discuss (even during the 6 months of therapy we had that ended in Dec.2015--said would "bury this and take to his grave".). I'd like to do in a way that is caring and loving and try to understand what he was going through at the time, but also show him the life I was living/or thought I was at the time. I'm still waiting for him to "get it" and feel ANY of my pain (he has stated repeatedly to me/therapists, ZERO remorse, NEVER gonna get it, and he will take the affair details to his grave--never gonna get anything from him and I should stop my investigative "bulls**t" because it makes him want to pack it in if I can't "move on", be positive and forward thinking.

I think by having the affair details remain secret, it fosters the fantasy he held/still holds/may still be involved in and maybe by "taking it out of the box" he wants to keep it in, will force him to deal with it (it could be shame, but his actions don't seem to point in that direction). I know a lot of times, betrayed spouses want our spouses to "get it" and feel our pain--which he doesn't. But refuses to even talk about it, is making recovery/healing harder (the ladies in my HH course, and the wall have been helpful to process a lot of these feelings at least). 

He continues to hold a lot of anger and resentment towards me, blames me for his affair and the dysfunctional parenting we did while learning about our sons issues (our son is doing great now--I retired from my career last year to be stay at home mom). I admitted my role both in not managing my emotions during this time and treating him with disdain and contempt (my way of coping--learning better approaches). But as we are a couple, he had HUGE role in this as well, doesn't remember his put-downs, yelling, etc., but only blames me), but I'm willing to own my part and have worked on changing me. He refuses to accept my apology (said "will see" when I did this during one therapy session), so I just continue to make the changes to me regardless (actions speak louder than words), and I try to live/be the change everyday. I can't make him see this and accept it, but imagine if he does, than he will have to own his part both in how we managed our son in the early years, and his affair--both hard pills to swallow and something he has not done or may ever be willing to do (I assume he must think it is much easier to find a new woman and start over with no baggage/bad feelings--his AP has been very empathetic based on what I discovered in poems gifts, etc, commisserating with him in his stuck life, sending word jumbles about "Secret Life of Walter Mitty", etc.(he doesn't see her manipulation of him, trying to pull him away from his family, only sees how wonderful and caring and positive and fun she is--sound familiar?).

Trying to stay calm, true to my values, show compassion and kindness even in the face of anger, but not wanting to be a doormat and having hard time enforcing transparency as a boundary for me to feel safe. Would "opening the box" of evidence force the issue? Any other thoughts.

Also, we are not Christian, but your advise from a psychological perspective in the past and other info on AR has been helpful (I'm not against my HH ladies prayers--always appreciate folks hoping the best for you). Thank you.



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