Rick,

It has been 19 months since I learned of my husband's 4 year affair. Since DDay, we have seen a counselor, worked with a marriage coach, (both for a short period of time) and have completed EMS Online. Throughout all of this, my husband has continued to lie and minimize. I feel like I'm suffering death by a thousand lashes. His version of D-Day was that he felt relieved and it wasn't hard to give up his AP as the affair had run its course and he realized it didn't make sense to continue. He said his feelings for her had lessened. For 19 months, I've processed, agonized, and worked toward acceptance. 10 days ago he admitted that he was in contact 5 times after D-DAY, spent another night together, and never once admitted to her that he was committed to working on our marriage. He told her about how volatile our marriage had become and that he didn't know what was going to happen. His last words to her were that he loved her. He says it's been well over a year since they've talked.

He annihilated me through discovery, and saw how devastated I was. To learn that he chose his AP again has left me in shock. He says he loves me and wants this marriage but I have lost all belief. This man shared our home and belongings with his AP on numerous occasions and now I learned that he shared our recovery. Is there any part of my life that I get to keep for me? I feel so totally violated all over again.

My husband revealed this truth because he knew we could not move forward with this lie hanging over us. I give him credit for finally doing the right thing as I know how difficult that was. He has since made an appointment with a counselor and indicated that he is now committed to the truth. 

However, something inside of me has shifted. I feel like I need to get out of this marriage. This man has shown no commitment to my healing and has acted in self-preservation since day one. Maybe he is committed now but I feel it's too late. No one knows of this affair but I feel it's time to talk to our kids to prepare them. I seriously have no more hope and I think it's time to find peace for me. I feel panicky writing this. Can I possibly see this any other way? We just started Marriage for Life but nothing feels right anymore. I just want to run away.