Q&A Is There a Way I Can Engage My Disconnected Betrayed Spouse?

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Question: 

It has been less than one month since I revealed my affair. I don't know how to handle the fact that my betrayed husband doesn't ask any questions of me. He doesn't speak to me of anything outside of household logistics. He occasionally says things that hint that he is finished with our marriage. He says that he wants to take time away for several months.

I'm afraid I've handled things in the wrong way by allowing there to be more and more silence, allowing the disconnection to solidify. Am I wrong about this? Is there something I should be doing to press toward him, or do I accept this as his way of handling the trauma of my revelations?

I know I don't deserve to have reconciliation, but I feel so desperate to try for it. I have heard that separation is practice for divorce, and so I am dreading his leaving. I want to respect whatever he needs to process and heal, but I am afraid that my inaction may close the door to the chance for reconciliation. There are some more details I feel I need to tell him about the affair, but with him expressing no desire to know I haven't known whether I should wait until he is more engaged. I am desperate for some wisdom and guidance and would appreciate anything that you can offer.

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Disconnected betrayed spouse

As a BS, when I wanted disconnection from my unfaitjful husband (UH) - it was 1 of 2 things: (or both at once) 1. I wanted to see if he'd pursue me the way I thought he pursued his AP and if he did, to me that showed me who he really wanted was ME and if he didn't it pursue connection with me it served as proof he just still wanted to be with her and didn't want me either way. 2. I wanted distance from him to feel safe but not too close, because being too close was what got me hurt in the first place.

My personal advice would be to make sure he knows you're there, don't distance yourself or you'll damage him further. Be ready to hear what he has tosay (the good, bad and the ugly) without being distant and be honest and authentic. Empathize with his pain frequently - even if he isn't asking for it. Be transparent and just be THERE.

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