Q&A Will My Husband Ever 'Get It'?

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Question: 

Sometimes in anger, I said that maybe we should separate or that we needed to separate. Almost two months ago, he relapsed. He heard my pain and agony when he told me, and yet went back to her again two days later. In the immediate recovery, I mentioned, in anger, the separation thing. Now, we are almost two months from the relapse and I am sleeping in the bedroom downstairs. I asked him if I should come upstairs, we were intimate the night before, and he said he didn't know. He said he is still hurt and thrown by my mentioning separation in anger. I'm waiting for him in the bedroom downstairs. I’m stewing and feeling like a chump. Am I being selfish by throwing the separation thing out there? It hurts him more than he feels his affair and loving her hurt me. Do I keep waiting? Is he safe enough for me or should I leave because it is really all about him? I've really calmed down and been working on not saying anything about separating, but he is stuck there. Did I do this? Do I keep waiting? Will he ever get it?

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My UH uses tactics like these

My UH uses tactics like these constantly. Nevermind what he's said or done to get us to where we are, the blame is always shifted to me because it distracts him from his shame. People become very manipulative, a lot of times without their knowing it, because it takes a lot of creativity to keep shame hidden and untouched, not to mention a lot of energy.

If only they could use the same amount of energy to humble themselves, get in touch with their shame, allow it to be transformed into guilt and remorse, there would be a lot more truly happy spouses on both sides.

Unfortunately, mine has had six years while he emotionally abused me and watched other women have sex with each other to do this, and the clock has run out. I do forgive him, and I have harboring hope to thank for that. It will still be hard because there are other losses I must grieve, like the loss of the family unit for my very young boys (one of which has autism), but I do hope that we can be amicable for our children.