Q&A What Can I Do with My Unmet Needs?

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My partner seems really stuck in anger, contempt, and disconnecting behavior. We were sexually intimate for the initial months of recovery but for over a month now, except one occasion, she has not been okay with intimacy. Trying to hug her or hold her hand is often difficult as she is so repelled by me. What can I do with my unmet needs for physical and sexual intimacy and affection?



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Why am I not surprised to

Why am I not surprised to hear an unfaithful husband asking about how to get HIS needs met instead of making his traumatized wife feel safe enough to even be around him?

I swear my UH posted this, and Rick you are exactly right. First of all, however, I am not stuck in any of the emotions that he stated. I am HURT over and over again, because he is not doing what I need to feel safe.

To add insult to injury, I signed him up for hope for healing, and he is now in week seven or eight. He did not begin doing the individual counseling that I asked, and he has not been proactive in his own research and sharing it with me like I asked. We are not connected emotionally whatsoever, and he has no idea how traumatized I am because of his actions. We are in two different worlds, and I have used those exact words to explain this to him many many times. He just doesn't get it.

By the way, we are only five months out from the most recent Dday, and there's been 3 of those. It only makes sense though that someone so selfish as my unfaithful husband, whom I just found out is also not doing the homework in H4H much less sharing it with me, would be asking questions about how to get HIS needs met, ha!

Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place? His trying to get his needs met, because he was so emotionally abusive that I did not want to have anything to do with him?

Now that I have completed harboring hope and finally found forgiveness, I gave him two options: either do the work or let me go. Well, his response was "I'm tired. I am trying. You just don't see that. I'm not saying I'm NOT going to do the work, but..." leaving me to feel like a fool for even giving him the option to be with me in the first place.

Thank you, Rick, for your on point response.

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