Q&A How Much Can be Shared About the Affair Sex?

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Hi Rick,

I have a question around affair sex and I hope you can shed some light on the topic. You advise people going through recovery not to go into detail about sex with the AP as it can leave destructive images in the betrayed spouse's mind. I am the betrayed spouse and I understand your position, as I have enough bad images in my mind without looking for more. My husband had a lot of sex with his AP and has told me that the sex was good and satisfying, but that's about as much as he has said. I have asked him what made it good and he says that is not a question he will answer, because nothing he can say will be helpful to us. I respect that to a degree, but it leaves me in a position of imagining that they had phenomenal sex, doing things that we have never done. My husband and I were not having sex leading up to and during his affair, so I understand how having sex is better than not having any. Since D-Day, we have restarted our sex life and he says our sex is better than his affair sex. Because he's reluctant to talk about this subject I am fearful that they connected in a way that was so above and beyond what we have, that I find myself losing confidence.

Are there any questions that can be asked and answered on this topic? What is fair territory for both of us? I feel that avoiding this topic completely leaves me fearful and unable to fully participate sexually. Can you guide us to what a relevant conversation may look like? Right now (for me) it feels like the elephant in the room.



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how much about affair sex?

The issue I am having trouble with is the fact my wife had so much of it with the affair partner over the 20 weeks of the PA. In our Marriage it was about once a month or once every three weeks. During her affair, it was 2-3 times a week. Now she has stopped all contact for the past 5 months. but we are back to 1-2 times a month. She has told me I am a better lover and always takes time to please her. She has usually multiple orgasm when we do have sex. But she always decides when we are done and many times I have climaxed once but feel the need for more stimulation. usually she says when i ask for sex during the week she is not desiring it because she has been satisfied this week. I have said to her that if I am to be happy and not feel like i am pressuring her for sex her initiating and increasing the frequency would be very helpful to keep me from feeling rejected. What advice do you have that we can use to solve these issues?

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