Hi Rick,

I have a question around affair sex and I hope you can shed some light on the topic. You advise people going through recovery not to go into detail about sex with the AP as it can leave destructive images in the betrayed spouse's mind. I am the betrayed spouse and I understand your position, as I have enough bad images in my mind without looking for more. My husband had a lot of sex with his AP and has told me that the sex was good and satisfying, but that's about as much as he has said. I have asked him what made it good and he says that is not a question he will answer, because nothing he can say will be helpful to us. I respect that to a degree, but it leaves me in a position of imagining that they had phenomenal sex, doing things that we have never done. My husband and I were not having sex leading up to and during his affair, so I understand how having sex is better than not having any. Since D-Day, we have restarted our sex life and he says our sex is better than his affair sex. Because he's reluctant to talk about this subject I am fearful that they connected in a way that was so above and beyond what we have, that I find myself losing confidence.

Are there any questions that can be asked and answered on this topic? What is fair territory for both of us? I feel that avoiding this topic completely leaves me fearful and unable to fully participate sexually. Can you guide us to what a relevant conversation may look like? Right now (for me) it feels like the elephant in the room.