Q&A What Does It Mean to Be a Safe Place for the Betrayed's Anger?

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After D-Day I stayed with my husband due to our children. Now that they are grown, and my husband did not do any recovery work or any therapy as he promised, I have said I plan to end the marriage after our youngest begins college. He enrolled in H4H and convinced me to do HH. I’ve learned to be a safe place for disclosure despite many trickle truths and sworn full disclosures. I work hard at being 15% of the emotion I’m feeling. I am thankful and express gratitude for their effort. I don’t threaten ending it or abandonment. I’m doing my best to be safe. He can never handle the slightest reaction of anger from me. There is no transparency or long term honesty. Recently there was an inappropriate interaction at work with a coworker. It was not disclosed over the two phone conversations during the day. It was leaked out during another disagreement. When I stated how angry I was at having two heartfelt phone calls and the information was withheld, my husband exploded and called me unsafe. My personal counselor believes it’s not safe in my marriage for me to express my authentic feelings. That I’m manipulated to only see the good in my mate and the moment I show anger or disappointment trouble erupts. Usually followed by a long list of accusations cleverly labeled with AR terminology. Like I’m the one that isn’t safe. I’m so tired of the high wire act! I can’t relax and be myself or grieve my losses without “marathoning” being called “unsafe” or hearing about their long list of trauma struggles and stresses. I’m becoming invisible. How do I get through the normal range of healing emotions without my husband's ability to see my authentic disappointment?



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