Q&A What Is Hysterical Bonding and What Does It Mean for a Relationship in Recovery?

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Question: 

Please explain hysterical bonding more. What does it mean for the relationship? What does it say about the betrayed? What message does it give the unfaithful? These last 7 months of recovery has been the most passionate sex of our 22 years. I have been desiring him in a way never before and usually right after some emotional outburst, discussion, etc. Unfortunately , it's usually I who initiates which makes me feel foolish and doesn't leave me feeling desired as I really need to feel.

I know this behavior has my husband confused and he has said, I make it too easy for him as he feels he should be punished for what he did. And he knows how I've always regarded sex as a sacred act and when the fact that I want him after what he did has him questioning how much did he "break me" with his infidelity. Thanks for your insight.

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Hysterical bonding

Dear Rick,

We are 7 months into discovery. My husband's AP was a very sexual and busty but petite women. She works in the beauty industry and always has her hands and feet perfectly manicured and her body waxed. She would regularly send him photos of her feet (he has a foot fetish), legs and self. They would also exchange numerous sexy messages on a daily basis.

3 days after dday I also started manicuring my hands and feet, waxing, sending him selfies and photos of my feet in new high heels, sexting and giving my husband attention and giving him LOTS of sex. Like in 6-7 times a week.

My husband perceived the sex to be the most exciting and intense sex we have ever had when, in reality, there was much more anger and aggression involved from my side. If we werent having sex at that time, someone might have classified it as me physically assaulting him.

Looking back, my actions during the first 5 months after discovery can only be described as having been hysterical.

Having had time to regain some focus and perspective and having done lots of soul searching and recovery work, I have come to the realisation that much of what I have done was: 1. a frantic/hysteric attempt at meeting my husband's every need; and 2. The refusal to be outdone by his AP who, even till this day, I perceive to be nothing more than a piece of sleazy, fake, cheap trash.

My husband has been going through something similar. He has been very remorseful and has done a lot to make me feel safe. His actions could also be described as hysterical; that he would do anything to not lose me.He has been coming home an hour or 2 earlier than usual, would spend hours with me on the phone, sends me messages and takes me on lunch and coffee dates. He tells me that he has never been this content in our marriage and that he is getting everything he has ever wanted.

However, I am concerned that our bonding is not natural nor sustainable. For both of us, our reactions have been so far removed from who we are as individuals, it has been hysterical.

I worry that the novelty will wear off and that we are going to find ourselves back at the place where neither of us have our needs met.

How do we heal and strengthen our marriage without being fake or hysterical about it?

Hysterical bonding

Dear Rick,

We are 7 months into discovery. My husband's AP was a very sexual and busty but petite women. She works in the beauty industry and always has her hands and feet perfectly manicured and her body waxed. She would regularly send him photos of her feet (he has a foot fetish), legs and self. They would also exchange numerous sexy messages on a daily basis.

3 days after dday I also started manicuring my hands and feet, waxing, sending him selfies and photos of my feet in new high heels, sexting and giving my husband attention and giving him LOTS of sex. Like in 6-7 times a week.

My husband perceived the sex to be the most exciting and intense sex we have ever had when, in reality, there was much more anger and aggression involved from my side. If we werent having sex at that time, someone might have classified it as me physically assaulting him.

Looking back, my actions during the first 5 months after discovery can only be described as having been hysterical.

Having had time to regain some focus and perspective and having done lots of soul searching and recovery work, I have come to the realisation that much of what I have done was: 1. a frantic/hysteric attempt at meeting my husband's every need; and 2. The refusal to be outdone by his AP who, even till this day, I perceive to be nothing more than a piece of sleazy, fake, cheap trash.

My husband has been going through something similar. He has been very remorseful and has done a lot to make me feel safe. His actions could also be described as hysterical; that he would do anything to not lose me.He has been coming home an hour or 2 earlier than usual, would spend hours with me on the phone, sends me messages and takes me on lunch and coffee dates. He tells me that he has never been this content in our marriage and that he is getting everything he has ever wanted.

However, I am concerned that our bonding is not natural nor sustainable. For both of us, our reactions have been so far removed from who we are as individuals, it has been hysterical.

I worry that the novelty will wear off and that we are going to find ourselves back at the place where neither of us have our needs met.

How do we heal and strengthen our marriage without being fake or hysterical about it?

So happy I watched this video

So happy I watched this video! I was concerned about myself as I was finding myself needing to have sex with my husband only a few days after D day. I would break down and hysterically cry and then find myself needing desperately to bond sexually with him. I have been married for 23 years and always when we have had sex it has been passionate so I was looking at it as sexual healing but then questioned myself if it was right to feel this way. I am only 3 1/2 weeks out of D day as of now and I am thankful I stumbled across this video.