Q&A What if I Need to go Through All the Material I Collected from My Mate's Infidelity?

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You helpfully advised on evidence I collected on D-day (financial, emails, etc.). I proposed reviewing it with my husband (about five years' worth). You thought that might not be productive and that he should disclose using the EMS framework, instead. You also suggested I think about moving past that information to heal and prevent intrusive thoughts. Could you please clarify? EMS materials say some people need tons of information, like assembling a 2,000-piece puzzle. How do I reconcile being a person who needs the information with your suggestion that we not go through the records? I know it will be painful for both of us and that I may have some additional trauma to recover from after doing so, but don't I get to decide whether that's how I want to heal? My husband's sex/love addiction also causes him to see the past in a different way from reality. For example, he sincerely told me he thought he might have spent $x on the affairs, but I had tallied some of it up, and it was more like ten times that amount. He was shocked. If I leave the disclosure completely to him and his memory (either his actual or desired memory), it may not bear a resemblance to the reality of what happened. I really feel like i need to know what I'm dealing with -- hence the strong desire to go through that information. But perhaps you can help reconcile these approaches, which seem to be at odds.



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trying to stop digging for the truth

I’m having the same experience. My common law partner of 4 years had been having many emotional and sexual relationships the entire time of our togetherness. I’ve counted approx. 90 so far. Almost 2 years ago I found out and of course things have never been the same. The trickle of information only happens when I discover something else and I begin to ask the questions. He says he has stopped communicating with other women but he has never been forthcoming after being asked to do so to help gain the confidence that I need about his lies and deceit. If I had not taken action and hadn’t the courage to prod into his phone and emails I would never have known anything. He still is lying about the past by not disclosing and says he simply doesn’t remember and doesn’t know where to start. Whenever I tried to open up conversation about a topic he continues to evade and be elusive thus more lying. I’ve asked him to get help and he continues to say he doesn’t know what to do or how to do it. I feel that my hands are tied and we cannot start recovery until he starts a process of disclosure on his own. How do I get him to be involved on his own to help us start our healing?

I almost commented on your

I almost commented on your first q&a when you asked about going through the records. Actually, I did write an angry reply but never submitted it.

From what you have said, it sounds like you have contradicting information - your husband's version and the actual facts. In my opinion, going over the records would be the only way I would be able to feel safe. Finding out more information down the road, after putting time, tears and work into building an honest relationship, undermines everything that has been worked on. Building a healthy, new foundation on top of half truth will never last. If the records you have will clear up discrepancies and bring still hidden secrets into the light, it can free you from constant doubt. It may also help your husband face reality. Finding out that he spent 10x more than he admitted to is a pretty big distortion of the truth.
Yes, you DO have the right to decide how much information you want. And you also have every right to feel angry and hurt if the information sheds new light on his "activities."
It really pisses me off that we have the added burden of being told to "control our emotions." In other words, let's do everything we can to not make this uncomfortable for him. Really??????

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