Q&A What Is a Real Trigger?

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Four months ago, I told my mate about my affair that happened 24 years ago right before we were married. Many of our marital difficulties have been about my wanting my mate to participate in our religious life to raise our children in a Jewish environment. Since learning of my infidelity, my mate sees my desire for practicing Judaism as hypocritical so he doesn’t want me to go back to synagogue services. He hasn’t been against home practices just me going to synagogue. I wanted to be respectful of his pain so I haven’t argued and our synagogue has been closed anyway because of Covid. Now the synagogue has been open for a month. I’m not sure what my feelings toward the synagogue are because my infidelity has changed my views too. I thought raising my kids within religion would protect them from bad choices and now I realized that I made the worst choice of all after being raised in a religious environment. However, I’d like to explore for myself how it feels to go back. I understand the concept of not going to certain places for my mate’s sake because they are triggers of the affair. The synagogue had nothing to do with my affair. It’s only connected to my affair because of his feelings about my hypocrisy. Is this a real trigger and I should respectfully wait until he’s comfortable with me going? Or am I being codependent by listening to him? If it’s codependency, how can I respectfully explain that I understand his feelings and at the same time I need to take care of myself?



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