Q&A What Is Shaming?

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Can you go a little more into detail about what qualifies as shaming? As a betrayed spouse I don't want to shame my spouse. He feels like sometimes I cross that line when we talk about what has happened, even if I am not calling him names or belittling him. Can you help me understand the line between expressing how his actions have hurt me and shaming him for the things he has done? He sometimes feels that I am shaming him when I say things like "it really hurt me when you did this lwith that person". Sometimes in anger I say variations of "you did this with that person!" and I think that could be shaming. If you could give me a little more clarification or examples that would be really helpful to me.



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This is really interesting. My H has felt shame for all of his life - and I never knew. When his affair came out, I desperately wanted to see his shame. It seemed to me like that was only natural, the sensible thing. And although I get that the shame urges him to withdraw and get defensive, it was and still is really important to me that he disclosed his feelings of shame and guilt. So why is shame such a bad guy in the emotional domain? It showed me that he understood the moral transgressions he had made, that he was not indifferent and totally careless, that he hated having been selfish? Maybe a chapter on the complexity of shame in Emso could help a lot of people. Although I do agree that shame and shaming have very negative effects, I am not sure that shame deserve its negative PR altogether.

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