Q&A Should I Publicly Expose my Spouse's Affair Partner?

To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.
Gain unlimited access to over 700 articles, podcasts, and video.
Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording.

Question: 

Hi Rick. My husband had a 9 month physical and emotional affair. D-Day was July 4th 2014. He was actively looking for an affair for two years using multiple sites.

After months of researching how to recover, I found a site that exposed Affair Partners. In the midst of my pain, I created a blog stating her name and along with pix, texts and info with the affair details.

Recently my husband fessed up that he googled her and saw my posts, then asked me to remove it and I refused. I feel it’s unfair with everything the AP knowingly did and the horrible suffering I'm enduring that she got to walk away as if it wasn't a big deal. My intent was to warn others.

So she went for a job interview, they googled her name and there were my posts. My husband asked me again to remove it; I told him I'd think about it. Rather than him waiting, he hacked my computer, email, and my blog - changed the password and deleted the blog. I am still furious! And he doesn't understand why! To me this is more deceit, lies, and secrecy, more infidelity.

We are in week 5 of EMS Online. I have serious doubts if I want to finish this course? I truly believe he's more concerned about her and her feelings. He has no clue what empathy is or how to demonstrate it, nor does he have an ounce of compassion for my feelings. I feel he should be more concerned about my feelings, helping me heal, and dealing with our own problems.

Though the blog has been deleted the website post is still up. It was originally posted on one site but somehow it was pulled to another. I have no login or user name for the site it’s on now, and I don’t feel I should delete it even if I could. Why would I want to delete the post?

What do you suggest? How can I explain what he already did was breaking any trust we were trying to build? I know you'll probably side with him and advise me to remove the post, but I'm not ready. Even if I wanted to, I don't think it's possible. Their website even states that once something is posted it will not be removed even by the person who posted it. Please help. Stuck.

Sections: 

RL_Category: 

RL_Media Type: 

You didn't address the question in MY question

About my husband NOT ALLOWING ME to delete the post MYSELF.
HOW do I deal with the pain of HIM taking it upon himself to delete the blog post (incidentally the blog post was nothing more than 1 sentence which had her name and town and HOME WRECKING WHORE). There was nothing else there.

Also important to know that I didn't post anything related to my husband or his info/name/etc.

He says he wants it all deleted and he has "the "right reasons" to take it down" - he says he doesn't want it the post to give her any excuse to contact him and doesn't want it to come back around and hurt me/us and the progress we've made now or down the line if she wants to retaliate? But he fails to understand how much it hurt ME that he took it upon HIMSELF to alienate me and any trust we were starting to build when he hacked into my accounts and deleted the blog. That was something I WANTED TO DO MYSELF... HE CHOSE himself to make that decision FOR ME in a lying deceitful way...when I found out minutes later it was deleted I knew he'd been the one to delete it. When I asked him "were you going to tell me you hacked my accounts and deleted it?" He responded "I DONT KNOW".

So HOW AM I supposed to build trust?? Get past his alienating my feelings by hacking my stuff and deleting it?

I had NO control over ANYTHING HE DID those 9 months... This small thing was THE ONLY THING I COULD CONTROL...yet he took it away.

Just like he took away my option to :

- attempt to fix our marriage prior to his affair had he been open and honest
- make the choice to end or marriage or not
- go back to counseling or not
- separate or not
- have an open marriage or not

I'm extremely disappointed that he chose to delete this blog and it was truly something I WANTED TO DO ON MY TERMS AND TIME WITH HIM....BY MY SIDE. which would have been MY attempt to show HIM I WAS WORKING on things.... TRYING TO SHOW HIM I'm a better person....sadly it'll never happen now and he'll NEVER KNOW how/if/when/why I was going to delete it when he made that choice to do it for me...and then tell me he didn't know if he'd have ever told me...not sure which is worse?

Still stuck

Oops a BIG P.S.

I forgot to add the reason I DID ADD HER info to this known cheaters website was because MY husband is a computer wiz and often utilizes google for everything ...

Since he supposedly technically ended the affair and finally after a make/break ultimatum...he emailed her 9/29/14 a DO NOT CONTACT ME I AM TRYING TO SORT OUT MY LIFE AND FIX MY MARRIAGE to his AP... HOWEVER since then has admitted to googling her on several occasions - he says "just to see if there was anything out there he might need to know".

LIKE WHAT??? That maybe she'd been arrested for prostitution? That she was scamming wealthier older men (she's 25 with a 6 year old he's 44...)

Perhaps if he'd googled her when they first met and saw a post like mine he'd never have gotten involved with this girl????

For decades police departments have used billboards, internet, other social media to "call out" dead beat dads, prostitutes and those soliciting them, drug dealers, murders etc....why NOT share her info and what she's done to our family in hopes another married man and HIS FAMILY won't suffer what myself and 2 young daughters have???

WHY SHOULDNT WOMEN WHO KNOWINGLY GET INVOLVED WITH MARRIED MEN BE PUBLICLY SHAMED AND HUMILIATED (as those of us who've been betrayed)???

There's not a doubt in MY MIND HEART OR SOUL that says she WOULDNT think twice going forward in her life and destroy another family like she did mine...

Especially considering she was getting changed IN a HOCKEY RINK LOCKER ROOM (WHICH IS BASICALLY 99.9% men)....and any self respecting WOMAN would have a moral compass strong enough to use the WOMENS bathroom or separate area to undress. I BELIEVE she was
ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SOME SUCKER TO WALK Into that locker room and that was MY husband WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR.

WHY NOT WARN OTHER MEN AND WOMEN about this girl??

Prayers

Leigh, I am praying for God to help you relinquish your hatred as I beg Him today to help me let go of mine. This is excruciating, as so much of our healing will only come from surrendering the "right" to hate.

What type of affair was it?

Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action.
Take the Affair Analyzer